if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
