I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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