Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
