Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
