she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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