There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i love accidental penises.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
