Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
