dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
