You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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