You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
