the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
