...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
