I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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