God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
