I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
