The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
