sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
