im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
