toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
