I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My ATM looks so different sober.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
