Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you will always have a special place in my vag
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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