I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I came so hard my ears popped.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
