moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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