youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
