Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
