I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
