Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
