Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
