she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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