sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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