Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
