I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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