hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Go christen that room with your naked body.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
