I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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