This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
