tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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