I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
