Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
