Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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