i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
