Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
