I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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