Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
