just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
