duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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