turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
