My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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