just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
