i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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