What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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