Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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