he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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