This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
