He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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