I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
