You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
