Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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